Harry Potter: International Wizard of Mystery
by EowynStar
Summary: YEAH BABY! Ah the classic crossover...Harry Potter meets Austin Powers. Crushed velvet suits, and sixties "swingers." Kind of cliche...but what can you do? Just read it...please give me comments/suggestions on what is funny and not . PG13 for language and
1. Default Chapter

A/N: I couldn't resist. Hopefully you will at least chuckle. And if you don't like Austin Powers…perhaps this is not the fic for you…

Disclaimer: I don't own either Austin Powers or any of the Harry Potter characters...

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(_Scene opens with ominous dark music. The camera pans into a dim cave. Underneath is the subtitle: SOMEWHERE NEAR BULGARIA: 1967. _

_The cave is lit with flickering torches, but oddly enough there is an oversized conference table down the middle of the room with a myriad of scary looking _EVIL ASSOCIATES_ sitting around it in dark cloaks._

_The camera angles on a long pale bony finger. It is wearing a ring with the Dark Mark insignia on it. It is stroking a green snake._)

**VOLDEMORT**: 

(_His face remains unseen—only his hands and the snake are shown_.) 

Gentlemen, are we all here? Good. As you know my plot to hijack the Sorcerer's Stone and take over the world has failed. _Again_. This organization WILL NOT TOLERATE FAILURE!

(_The bony hand picks up a long thin wand and begins to screech "Avada Kedavra! over and over again. The various _EVIL ASSOCIATES_ crumble to in their seats, dead, and then burst into flames for dramatic affect. Their chairs remain empty and smoking.)_

** **

**VOLDEMORT: **

Victor Krum…

(_Camera pans in on KRUM. Even though he is Bulgaria, he wears a red fez for some reason_.)

** **

**VOLDEMORT**: 

Frau McGonagall…

(_Camera pans in on MCGONAGALL who is wearing a severe button down uniform_.)

** **

**VOLDEMORT**: 

I spared your lives because I need you to help me rid the world of the only man who can stop me now. We must go to Hogsmeade. I've set a trap for…HARRY POTTER!

*******
    
     
    
    (The camera cuts to a street in Hogsmeade. It focuses on a pair of Beatle boots and purple crushed velvet pants walking down the street in a jaunty rhythm, à la Saturday Night Fever.
    
     The camera then pans up to reveal HARRY POTTER, International Wizard of Mystery.He's a swinger, with medium-length Mod hair and sideburns and he wears crooked glasses, with a piece of tape through the middle. He grins widely revealing some severely fucked up teeth PARVATI PATIL and LAVENDER BROWN pose for him as he snaps pictures.)
    
     
    
    **HARRY**: 
    
    Yeah baby, yeah…show me love…pout for me baby! Show me shoulder…Yes! Yes! And…done. I'm spent. 
    
     
    
    (He hands the camera to a reporter for Witches Weekly.)
    
     
    
    **PARVATI**:
    
    (suggestively)
    
    We could have another session…back in the girl's dormitory…
    
     
    
    **HARRY**:
    
    (grinning toothily)
    
    Oh BEHAVE!
    
     
    
    (A gaggle of Hufflepuff girls spot Harry Potter. They begin to scream excitedly.)
    
     
    
    **GIRL**: 
    
    Oh my God! It's him! It's Harry Potter!
    
     
    
    (HARRY races off from them, as a huge crowd gathers in his pursuit. Suddenly he breaks into a funky groove leading them in a swinging dance to some upbeat theme song music. All of a sudden a car pulls up. A humongous Union Jack is painted on its hood. A grinning redhead sits in it. RON beckons for him to hurry up. HARRY dives in and the car takes to the sky.)
    
     
    
    **HARRY:**
    
    Hullo Ron. Stolen the car, I see.
    
     
    
    **RON**: 
    
    Hullo Harry. (winks at him) Don't tell mum, she'll have a fit after what happened to the Ford Angelina…
    
     
    
    (Suddenly a beeping sound emerges from the glove compartment. Harry taps it with his wand, and it opens with a stream of bright sparks. The head of PERCY WEASLEY, of the ministry of magic floats in front of them, somewhat transparent, like an apparition. He looks distinguished, with horn-rimmed glasses and dark robes.)
    
     
    
    **PERCY**:
    
    Hullo Harry…Ron. This is Percy Weasley, with Magic Intelligence. (Harry nods meaningfully. Ron looks annoyed.) 
    
     
    
    **RON**:
    
    I know that you prat! You're my brother.
    
     
    
    **PERCY**:
    
    I just want to extremely clear so that everyone knows what is going on at any given time. We've just received word that Dr. You-Know-Who is planning to take over the world.
    
     
    
    **HARRY**:
    
    (aghast)
    
    Dr. You-Know-Who? I thought I got rid of him already five times!
    
     
    
    **PERCY**: 
    
    (Shakes his head sadly)
    
    I'm afraid not Harry. Earlier this week, Dr. You-Know-Who regained his powers. He has set a trap for you in the Magic Psychedelic Pussycat Swinger's Club here in swinging Hogsmeade.
    
    **HARRY**:
    
    (bravely)
    
    Right. I'll be there.
    
     
    
    **PERCY**: 
    
    Oh and Harry…be careful!
    
     
    
    **************
    
    (It is night. The jaguar pulls up in front of the Magic Psychedelic Pussycat Swinger's Club. The club is swinging…all kinds of groovy cats in go-go boots and mod-style clothes sway to the psychedelic sounds. RON and HARRY enter the club dramatically dressed in matching blue crushed velvet suits and lace cravats. HARRY has gold chain with "male" symbol hanging from his neck. He greets the people in the club by shaping his fingers like a gun and clicking.)
    
     
    
    **HARRY**:
    
    (surveying the scene)
    
    Yeah baby! I'm so hip…I can't see past my pelvis! 
    
     
    
    (A large group of wizards gather around him to dance…the majority of them mod girls in go-go boots. Harry starts to bust a move.)
    
     
    
    **RON**:
    
    But Harry…we've got to find Dr. You-Know-Who!
    
     
    
    **HARRY**:
    
    (puts his hand to his chin thoughtfully)
    
    Wait…I've got an idea. (He suddenly turns around and slugs PANSY PARKINSON. She falls to the floor unconscious.)
    
     
    
    **RON**:
    
    (flabbergasted)
    
    Harry! Why did you hit Pansy! She's a girl.
    
     
    
    **HARRY**: 
    
    She's no girl! She's a man, man! (He pulls off the wig from the head of the male assassin who somehow replaced the girl who was there before**. **Everyone gasps, as he stands up brandishing his wand.)
    
     
    
    **HARRY**:
    
    Stupefy! 
    
     
    
    (The man falls the ground, stunned. Everyone cheers. RON notices something in the balcony. Camera pans to bony hand, with Dark Mark ring on finger. Itpoints a wand at HARRYyelling, "Avada Kedavra!")
    
     
    
    **RON**: 
    
    Harry! Watch out!
    
     
    
    (Burst of green light shoots out at Harry. But instead of killing Harry it bounces back off of his scar hitting **VOLDEMORT** head on.)
    
     
    
    **HARRY**:
    
    (yawning)
    
    C'mon Dr. You-Know-Who! You know that stuff doesn't work on me!
    
     
    
    **VOLDEMORT**:
    
    Aw, fuck. 
    
     
    
    (He starts to slink off, but Harry and Ron follow in hot pursuit. They find him in a back room, sitting in an egg-shaped chair. **VOLDEMORT** is bony, as pale as death, and has two little red slits for eyes and two snake-like slits for nostrils.)
    
     
    
    **HARRY**: 
    
    (pointing his wand at chair)
    
    I've got you again Dr. You-Know-Who!
    
     
    
    **VOLDEMORT**:
    
    (cackles) 
    
    Not this time Harry Potter! Come Mr. Nagina. (The green snake slithers into his lap.) See you in the future…Potter.
    
     
    
    (VOLDEMORTwraps a time turner around his neck, and turns in over three times. For no apparent reason the walls begin to shudder and quake dramatically as loud ominous music blares in the background. Harry begins to yell curses, as sparks fly from his wand, all of them missing their mark. A huge cloud of mist congeals around chair…and clears…revealing that it has disappeared..)
    
     
    
    *********
    
    (Camera pans in on VOLDEMORT as he spins through the swirling vortex of time travel.)
    
     
    
    **VOLDEMORT**:
    
    (voice over)
    
    I'll be back Potter…when free love is gone…and greed and avarice rule again! (whines) This is making me so frickin' dizzy…
    
     
    
    ************
    
     
    
    A/N: Ummmm….so yeah. Review it if you want. Perhaps I will write more? If enough people like it that is. Read my other fics…they are a lot better, I swear!
    
     

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	2. Throw me a frickin' bone here...

A/N: God only knows why I am keeping this fic up…read and review. Oh and obviously every single person in this fic is totally out of character…but maybe there is a reason for this…(Or maybe I'm just being random- you decide.) J

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter or Austin Powers…

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(_Scene opens with HERMOINE GRANGER, of the Ministry of Magic entering the headmaster's office at Hogwarts. She is dressed smartly in perfectly pressed robes and is holding a briefcase. DUMBLERDORE greets her with a shake of the hand. PERCY is also present.)_

_ _

**DUMBLEDORE**:

Ah Agent Granger. So glad you could come.

**HERMIONE**:

(_sitting down in a chair in front of the desk_.)

Why have you called me here, sir? I hear that it involves…Harry Potter.

**DUMBLEDORE**:

Indeed it does. A few years back there was an unfortunate accident with a powerful time turner, a very potent aging potion, a wormhole in the time space continuum…and a bag of Bertie's Every Flavor Beans.

**HERMIONE**:

(_confused_)

Bertie's Every Flavor Beans?

**DUMBLEDORE**:

(_nods cryptically_)

They seem to have very powerful side effects.

**HERMIONE**:

(_still confused_)

But of course…

**DUMBLEDORE**:

Due to this _accident_…(_clears his throat_) Harry Potter and a collection of other random individuals were whisked away to 1967, a time of "swingers" and psychedelic trips…(_nods reminiscing, a happy grin plastered to his face_). 

Dr. You-Know-Who tried once again to kill Harry Potter…but he failed, and transported himself to the future. Harry Potter is the only one to stop him…so we devised a cunning plan to bring him back as well.

**PERCY**:

We need you Agent Granger, to help acclimate Harry Potter back into the 2000s.

**HERMIONE**:

(_annoyed_)

Oh just stop being a git Perce! What is this "Agent Granger" stuff? I've known you all of my life!

**PERCY**:

(_ignoring her_)

We must go to the Hospital Wing. Harry Potter, International Wizard of Mystery should be there any moment.

************

(_Cut to_ VOLDEMORT'S evil lair. _Again we see the conference table with the_ EVIL ASSOCIATES. _Ominous music blares_.)

**VOLDEMORT**:

(_face is again unseen_)

Ladies and Gentlemen, it has been a long time, but I'm back. It has all gone perfectly to plan except for one small flaw. Because of a technical error with the time turner…_complications_ arose.

(_Camera pans in on_ KRUM. _He is still wearing the red fez, and is sweating nervously_.)

**KRUM**:

(_in thick Bulgarian accent_)

Vut my design vas perfect…

**VOLDEMORT**: 

(_shrilly_)

LOOK AT MR. NAGINA!!!!!

(_The formerly large and imposing cobra has transformed into a harmless green garden snake, barely wider than Voldemort's pinky. KRUM gulps_.)

**KRUM**:

(_quaking_)

Ve could not haf anticipated reptilian complications in the reanimation process…****

**VOLDEMORT**:

Silence! I will not tolerate insolence!

(_Points wand at_ KRUM_, yelling "Avada Kedavra!". He is stunned to death and bursts into flames for dramatic effect like others. His burned body falls down shoot into pit below_.)

**VOLDEMORT**:

Let this be a reminder that this organization will not tolerate failure…

(_We here muffled screams from below_.)

**VOLDEMORT**:

Right. Let's get down to business people…

(_He is interrupted by a muffled voice from below_.)

** **

**KRUM**:

(_from below_)

Could someone please help me? I am still alive….I haf only veen very vadly vurned…

**VOLDEMORT**:

As I was saying…

**KRUM**:

(_from below_)

Hello! Is anyvoby up there?

**VODLEMORT**:

Some of you I know…some of you I am meeting for the first time…__

**KRUM**:

(_from below_)

Can one of you call a mediwizard? I veally am in a lot of pain…

(VOLDEMORT_ looks annoyed. He flicks his wand and two Death Eaters Apparate in front of him. He whispers to them in an undertone and they Disapparate_.)

**KRUM**:

(_from below_)

I veally think that I can valk…if one you up there could just open the hatch down here I can get out…(_we hear approaching footsteps_.) Oh thank you all…you haf come to help me. I am very vadly vurned so if you could just…

(_We hear someone yell "Avada Kedavra!".)_

_ _

# KRUM:

(_muffled_)

Ow! You tried to _kill_ me…

# 

# VOLDEMORT:

Right. Okay…moving along…

**KRUM**:

You missed! I can't believe you missed….

(_We hear someone doing the killing curse once again. _VOLDEMORT_ waits expectantly. There is only silence_.)

**VOLDEMORT**:

Right. All of you have been gathered to form my…evil cabinet. Let me go around the table to introduce everyone. Frau McGonagall…

(_Angle in on _MCGONAGALL_ who glares sternly into camera_.)

**VOLDEMORT**:

(_continues_)

Founder of the militant wing of the Parent Teacher's Association…and Seamus Finnagan, Hogwarts student turned Irish Assassin…

(_Angle on _SEAMUS_ who is wearing a cloak of brilliant green._)

**VOLDEMORT**:

A superstitious man…Seamus always leaves a four-leaf clover on the victims he kills…he says that it gives him luck. The Ministry of Magic would love to find the secret behind his powerful charms….

**SEAMUS**:

(_nodding_)  
Yeah, they're always after me lucky charms.

(_Editors Note: There is no laughter at all. Of course, with a group of wizards, this coincidental statement would not be related in any way to a kid's cereal campaign ad_.)

**VOLDEMORT**:

Finally we come to my most faithful servant…my number two man. I call him…Number Two.

(_Camera pans in on _MAD EYE MOODY_. He has an eye patch over his magical eye_.)

**VOLDEMORT**:

For thirty years Number Two has been running Bertie's Every Flavor Beans…the legitimate face of my evil empire.

**MAD EYE**:

(_clears his throat_)

Uh, sir…I would prefer if you would NOT call me number two…my name is Alastor…

**VOLDEMORT**:

(_brandishing his wand threateningly_)

I WILL NOT TOLERATE YOUR INSOLENCE!

**MAD EYE**:

(_nervously_)

Of course sir…And as for our business, Bertie's Every Flavor Beans—it has grown in the past three decades by leaps and bounds. We own over a hundred factories across the continent. Sales are up by 150% and our stock constantly tops the Wizard Stock Exchange. We are truly a multi-billion galleon industry.

**VOLDEMORT**:

(_nods pleased_)

Keep this up and we may upgrade you to Number One. (MAD EYE_ bobs his head courteously_.) 

And now for my cunning plan to kill Harry Potter…I suggest a new approach; we should invoke an ancient terror. I propose that we give a diary containing memories of my past self in it to an innocent first year Gryffindor at Hogwarts…let him or her open the Chamber of Secrets…and thus lure Potter in…ALLOWING HIM TO BE KILLED BY THE HEIR OF SLYTHERIN! 

(VOLDEMORT _puts his pinky to his lip and cackles, impressed with his cunningness. There is an uncomfortable pause_.) 

**MAD EYE**:

Uh, Dr. You-Know-Who…this same thing happened a couple of years ago actually. You did try to kill Harry Potter that way…it didn't work at all.

**VOLDEMORT**:

(_annoyed_)

Ok people, I have just traveled forward thirty years in the spinning vortex of time. Work with me people…throw me a frickin' bone here. (_pauses_)

Well no matter…I have yet another cunning plan. (_chuckles_) Oh this is good…we will recommend that Hogwarts reinstate the Triwizard Competition…and have a spy place Potter's name in the "Goblet of Fire." (_Pauses emphatically, and actually does the quotation marks with his fingers_). Once his name is inside of this "Goblet of Fire" Potter has to participate in the competition…so we can during the last task we can transport him to us via portkey…WHERE I CAN DUEL WITH HIM TO HIS DEATH! 

(VOLDEMORT _places pinky to lips, apparently proud of his genius_.)

**MAD EYE**:

Uh sir, you tried that too.

**VOLDEMORT**:

(_surprised_)

Is that right?

**MAD EYE**:

Yeah it failed miserably…the whole _Priori Incantetem_ deal…it was a big mess.

**VOLDEMORT**:

(_simply_)

Shit. 

(_Shrugs_) Well I guess we can just do what we always do…hijack the minister of magic… ask for a huge ransom…and kill Potter when he comes to save the day. Is that ok with everyone? (_looks around as most of the _EVIL ASSOCIATES_ shrug in assent_.) Right. Anything else?

**MCGONAGALL**:

Remember how we froze your semen so a part of you could live forever?

**VOLDEMORT**:

Well…yes.

**MCGONAGALL**:

Well, a few years back we decided to do something with it. Dr. You-Know-Who, I would like you to meet your son.

**VOLDEMORT**:

My son?

**MCGONAGALL**:

(_bellows_)

DRACO!

(DRACO MALFOY_ walks in accompanied by loud rock music. He looks confused_.)

**DRACO**:

What the hell am I doing here?

**VOLDEMORT**:

(_brimming with tears_) 

My son…(_reaches out arms for a hug_)

**DRACO**:

What the bloody hell?? I AM NOT YOUR SON!!!!

**VOLDEMORT**;

(_overflowing with pride_)

Look everyone! I have a son! I have a son! Come on, Draco, why don't you give daddy a hug.

**DRACO**:

No!

**VOLDEMORT**:

(_pleading_)

Oh come on!

**DRACO**:

(_spits out_)

HELL NO!!

**VOLDEMORT**:

Come here, you little shit.

**DRACO**:

(_disgusted_)

Get away from me, you FREAK!

**VOLDEMORT**:

What is it? It is that I am not good enough for you…is it that I am not "with it" as you youngsters say. Look, I'm hip…I'm cool…(_Tries to do a rather stiff impression of the Macarena._) See I am…getting jiggy with it…I can throw my hands in the air and wave them like I just don't care…

**DRACO**:

OH MY GOD!!!! GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!

(_runs out of the room shrieking_)

*************

  
Hahaha…well just review it. If I write more (maybe I should just stop now while I am ahead???)…Harry Potter, International Wizard of Mystery will meet Agent Hermione Granger…should be interesting ;).


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